Tuesday 23 December 2014

Mike the Boilerman's lessons in loving your work

I had the pleasure of meeting "Mike the Boilerman" a few weeks ago.  Mike, as the name suggests, fixes boilers.  There is, however, one key point that set Mike apart from the fleet of other similar engineers:

He loves his work.

I love my work too but when I initially meet my clients, they can struggle with the concept of "having a fulfilling career" (by which I mean loving your work more often than not enjoying it).  It's all very well in principle, it seems, but turning it in to reality can feel a bit far fetched.   


So what is his secret?


Know what you're good at

Mike was clear from an early age that he had an interest in and talent for fixing things.  He decided that, rather than fix lots of different things, he would specialise.  His quality of work meant that he quickly gained a reputation for being the "go to" person for boiler repairs.


So what?

What is your specialism?  What are you the "go to" person for?  This can be a practical skill or knowledge set but can also be expertise in bringing people together, high quality work or pragmatism.
What you know what you're good at - and are not shy about acknowledging this strength, others will see it more clearly too.


Set expectations

There is no "under promise and over deliver".  He's not out to make a quick buck.  He is clear about how he works and how he charges from the outset.  He doesn't do boiler installations or bathrooms.  He does boiler repairs.  That is all.

He found that, by setting expectations early, people could make more informed decisions and that made for a better working environment for both parties.


So what?

What are you prepared to say yes and no to?  How well do you set expectations; either personally or for your teams?

Make it easy

We are so good at making things way more complicated than they need to be.  In my experience, is it usually because we are concerned about what others may think, say or do as a result.

Mike realised that issuing invoices and chasing payment was taking up way too much of his time.  
His solution was to take payment either in advance or on site.  Would people resist?  Some did but, as he said, those that are resistant are usually the ones who would require chasing under the old process so they are no loss.


So what?

What if it really was that easy? What are you telling yourself about the consequences and what facts do you have that this is the case?


What next?

Mike and I are not the only ones who love our work.  I am meeting more and more individuals now who have found a fulfilling role which they enjoy.  Whether in a large organisation, a start up or your own business, there is something out there that will light your fire.  
Get in touch if you'd like to see how I can help you find work you love.
And if you still don't believe it exists, just ask Mike.


Thursday 20 November 2014

6 Things 12 Year Olds do Way Better Than Us!

I have an admission. I wasn’t looking forward to my 12 year old son’s school concert. As excited as he was, I was imagining a 60 minute ear-assault followed by polite clapping and a headache.

But as each group, pair and soloist took to the stage, I was struck by the fact that these pre-teens had more spirit, courage and resilience than the vast majority of their 40-something year old audience.

This is not a stage school. The students volunteered to perform solos or in small groups rather than being selected. Some of them looked shy and uncomfortable under the spot lights. Some made mistakes by forgetting words or missing a note. But they performed, they bowed, they sat down, they beamed.

How many times have you held yourself back? What have you opted out of or avoided because you were afraid of what might happen or of what people might say? What is your equivalent of singing on stage in front of 250 people?

So what is it that makes a 12 year old try what a 42 year old wouldn’t?

Characteristics of a 12 year old (and what we could learn from them)

  • They think “yeah, why not? I can do that!” (self-belief)
  • They are willing to give it a go even if they haven’t done it before (balanced approach to risk)
  • They imagine that it will be amazing (positive mindset)
  • They have fun (motivation and their purpose!)
  • They do it with friends (positive environment)
  • They keep it simple (clarity about what’s important)

What would be possible if you adopted some of these characteristics? The next time an opportunity comes up which you’d previously have shied away from, try thinking like a 12 year old and see what happens.

If you want to find out more about increasing your clarity, motivation and self-belief, drop me an email steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Stephanie Smith is a coach specialising in the world of work. She works with individuals and teams on personal impact, choice and change. Find out more at: www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Thursday 6 November 2014

Would you want to work with you?

I love the spring. I like the skies getting lighter and the sight of the first crocus or daffodil. To me, spring represents hope and optimism.
By contrast, I find winter a bit of a struggle. Days spent with the lights on, cold wind chilling your bones and TV schedules that numb the mind. Thinking about it makes me feel sluggish.
But winter also brings crisp, bright days. Thinking about a bracing walk, followed by a great lunch feels energising and creative.

So what?

The way we think has a huge impact on how we feel and, in turn, those feelings affect how we behave. When you think about work, which words come up? If your thoughts include themes of dissatisfaction, disappointment or boredom, it probably feels quite unpleasant. Those feelings will affect how you come across at work and will impact those around you.

Would you want to work with you?

Do you identify with any of the following?
  • When changes are proposed, your first thought is “Here we go again!”
  • Your network (people at work with whom you regularly keep in touch) is getting smaller rather than bigger
  • You find yourself talking more often about why things can’t happen rather than what can happen.
What impact does this have on you and the people you work with?

So what? (Again)

When you are highly experienced, particularly in an area of technical competence (for example finance, IT, engineering, telecoms etc.), it can be tempting to ignore or play-down the impact you have on others because you are "being honest", have "seen it before" or are certain others "don't know what they're talking about".
If this is true for you, consider who you have enjoyed working with. What was it about them that made the work enjoyable? What did you contribute during that time? What were you like as a colleague?
What are you like as a colleague now?

Make a choice

Work can be a bit like the weather. We complain about it but we can’t necessarily change it. We can, however, change how we feel about it. Use these tips to notice how you think, feel and behave at work. Then you can make a choice about what kind of colleague you want to be!
  1. Notice your themes
    When you talk at work are your words and comments generally positive or negative? Be honest. “I don’t think it will work” is negative. “I need more information to figure out how we can make it work” is more positive.
  2. Write down the good stuff
    Remembering or anticipating what you DO like about work (e.g. utilising your specialist skills, being with people you like/respect) helps move your focus on to more positive aspects. Writing them down strengthens the impact.
  3. Be the person you’d most like to work with
    Think about you at your best. Do one thing every day that embodies those characteristics.
  4. Plan your next move
    However you feel about your job now, exploring “what next?” gives you options. Having options helps balance out the odd difficult day and is the first step towards taking ownership of your future.
If this sounds familiar and you'd like to discuss how I can help you enjoy your work and take charge of your career, I'd love to hear from you.

Monday 20 October 2014

Thinking about the next steps in your career? Stop!


 My family used to tease me for my inability to make decisions. Whether I was choosing food in a restaurant (fish or ribs) or which options to take at school (Latin or Art), it was not unusual for me to agonise over the pros and cons, delaying the final decision as long as possible for fear of getting it “wrong”.

Actually, my family’s teasing was a bit unfair. I made many big decisions (which university, which course, where to live) quickly and easily. I know now that I would get “stuck”, not because I couldn’t decide but because my thought process was at odds with what I felt; my intuition or gut instinct.

Going back 7 years, I had a good job and I was ambitious. Thinking about what to do to further my career sounded like this:

“I work for a successful company; I have worked hard for 11 years and am regularly promoted; my skills are needed; I am well paid; my role is secure. Answer - Work harder; Deliver more; Target the next promotion.”

In my head, lots of boxes were being ticked. But the answer my head came up with didn’t feel motivating or inspiring (which is a requirement for me if I’m going to work hard for it). I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy because, logically, I had everything I wanted! Perhaps I had no right to be unhappy because I should have been grateful to have a job at all?

So what?


If you rely on logic, intelligence and experience to make a decision, you will make sound, evidence-based decisions which will, more often than not, be spot on in a business situation. However, choices that impact your life (your home, your family, your career, your health) draw upon feelings, dreams and values. Ignore them at your peril as their intangibility belies their power!

Back to 7 years ago, I put my logical thoughts to one side and listened to what else was going on;

“I am stuck; opportunities are limited; there is no commitment to change here; I am wasting my time; my skills are undervalued. Answer - Take charge; Stop whining and do something about it!”

Stuck


In this situation, my thoughts about my career were only part of the picture. I was effectively being pulled in two different directions and, although my intuition made no logical sense, ignoring it was not making it go away, it was just stopping me making a good decision so I became “stuck”.

“Stuck” is not a fun place to be. It is a place you arrive at when you feel you have “no choice”. You may feel obligated or restricted by your responsibilities or your specialist skills or the state of the external job market – all of which feel out of your control or influence. And when you feel that your options are limited or removed, it is easy to lose your spark. 

Pause your thoughts


Your intelligence is unquestionable and has provided answers to career-defining moments in the past. So what’s getting in the way this time?

Your mind is exceptional. It is the ultimate multi-tasking tool. But it can get crowded in there.

If your career development thought process involves innumerable options, potential options, risks and scenarios based on evidence, extrapolation and pure conjecture or if it results in just one option that you don’t like but can’t think your way around, it could be because your thoughts are at odds with your intuition. (I think of it as gut instinct or intuition. Call it what you will, you possess it and it has something important to say!)

What does your intuition say? What is your reaction? What are you telling yourself about what comes up?

Do you mistrust your intuition? Perhaps you judge it as frivolous or irresponsible? I thought mine sounded like a spoiled child. And perhaps, on its own, it is. However, when you are able to combine your logic and your intuition, your opportunities open up and your decisions become much easier.
You have a choice.

Choice is the antidote to being stuck.


It’s up to you whether you choose to listen to your intuition fully or just to the parts that make “sense”. No matter how scary or ridiculous they may seem, ignoring or shutting down the messages from your intuition, does not make them go away.

The key is to make a conscious choice. Feeling stuck is about not choosing – either because you don’t know what to choose or because you don’t feel you have a choice. Making a specific choice, even if that is to stay doing what you’re doing, demonstrates that you are taking responsibility for your career path.

For me, choice meant updating my cv and actively seeking a new opportunity. I secured my dream job shortly afterwards but, actually, the biggest thrill was in making the decision to look in the first place. I had taken charge, stopped whining and done something about it. 

Getting Unstuck


Try these questions to take you out of your thoughts and to access your gut instinct. It helps if you answer quickly and either speak or write the words. Try not to censor yourself or judge what you say/write.
  • Imagine it is 5 years from now and you are happy – what are you doing?
  • If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

If you feel “stuck” at the moment or are unsure about your career options, get in touch and we can work on it together. www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk


Tuesday 9 September 2014

On Your Marks.... Get Set....

Returning to work after a good holiday can feel like being asked to run a marathon after eating a four course meal. You feel a bit sick and under prepared. You don’t know exactly what to expect but it’s likely to be hard. You’re not even sure what the prize will be at the end. But you grit your teeth and open that Inbox anyway.
Most of us know we need to come back to exercise gently after a break. Going in too hard, too soon causes injuries which, in turn, can impact our ability to hit our fitness goals.
So, rather than taking a deep breath and just diving back in to work, let’s look at what we can learn from the athletes approach.
Successful athletes know that they are more likely to achieve their goals by developing three main elements: their physical aptitude, their technical skills/experience and their mindset.
You may be already conscious of what you eat and how much you exercise. You probably have a plan to develop enhance your skills/experience.

But what about your mindset?

An athlete’s mind:
  • Envisages the outcome – what it will be like to cross the finish line/make the putt/score the goal
  • Focuses on what matters – every activity moves them towards their goal
  • Takes self-care seriously – they eat well, sleep well and do what they can to avoid injury
  • Understands the cost of commitment – whether it’s a restricted diet or time away from family & friends, they consciously choose whether it is, or is not, worth it.

Not convinced?

When Andy Murray teamed up with Ivan Lendl, they worked as much on his mindset as they did on his physical and technical play. An Olympic gold medal and the Wimbledon title followed. And after Rory McIlroy prioritised his desire for a career Grand Slam over his forthcoming wedding, he duly won the Open and the US PGA, just needing the Masters to achieve his goal. Breaking off an engagement is a huge decision but it was a choice and only he could make decide whether it was right for him.
If you want to adopt an athlete’s mindset to help you back to race pace after your holidays, try these questions;
  1. What is a great outcome for September and October?
    Envisage, draw, write about your personal and professional outcome. Add lots of detail and allow yourself to think BIG.
  2. What is most important to you? 
    What are you not prepared to sacrifice for your goal?
  3. What can you do everyday to keep you on track for your goal?
  4. What will you do to look after yourself? 
    NB: This is not selfish, this is self-care. You cannot do all the things you want to, or support people who rely on you if you are not in top condition.
  5. What are you prepared to start or stop to make your outcome a reality?
Answer these questions honestly and that marathon will feel like a walk in the park.
If you'd like to talk more about careers, choices and leadership, get in touch!

Sunday 31 August 2014

The Art of Procrastination

I've had something on my to do list for a while now. Months actually.
I've thought about it. I've written it down and looked at it. I've scheduled it in my diary. I've spent more mental energy on this one task that I care to calculate. The one thing I hadn't managed to do was the task itself. Until today.
Procrastination is pretty common and spending a few minutes time browsing your emails or trawling LinkedIn (or, let's be honest, Facebook) isn't necessarily a problem. Until it is.

Here are some signs that procrastination may be getting in your way:

  • You've had something on your "to do" list for more than a week.
  • You see-saw between the task being critically important and not necessary at all
  • You plan it meticulously. And then revisit the plan on a regular basis.
  • You think and talk about it. A lot.
Just to be clear as Joseph Ferrari, an associate professor of psychology, points out, procrastination is not about poor planning or inadequate time management. Nor is it a sign of laziness (although I confess to a smattering of all of the above.) It's that stomach-churning conflict of feeling compelled to do something but then doing anything BUT the task itself.

So, if it's not about poor planning or laziness, why do we do it?

Some people procrastinate because they get a thrill from leaving things until the last minute. For many people it is due to fear. In my case, it was a fear of failure and a fear of being judged (as a failure).
The problem is that procrastination doesn't negate the fear. In fact, all the time I was actively avoiding the task in question, my fear was growing. Each time I wrote it on my list and didn't do anything about it I was feeding the negative voices (you know, the ones who criticise everything) and deepening the fear of what would happen. Not helpful.
I believe that we make better decisions, achieve greater success and are more fulfilled when we are able to effectively combine our feelings with our logical thought processes. When logic is exercised to the exclusion of emotion, we limit our creativity. Equally, when emotion takes control, we lose objectivity.

So What?

If you're in the grip of procrastination, deal with it at the source. Recognise the emotion that is at play and apply logic to put it in its place. Here are some tips that I find useful:
  • Imagine the worst case scenario. Give yourself a set time (5 minutes is probably plenty) to allow your fears to run riot. Then consider what you come up with objectively. What is the likelihood of this happening? What would you do if this did actually happen? Would it be really so bad?
  • Break it down. Split it in to smaller elements. What is the smallest step you could take towards doing it? Do that, then do the next smallest step. This will reduce the power of the "big" thing. Even if you spend just 10 minutes on it (set a timer) and then stop.
  • JFDI. Just Flippin Do It. When we're over-thinking, sometimes we need to call upon our inner sergeant major. Stop thinking, close your eyes (metaphorically), hold on tight and just DO.
Having got on and done what I'd been avoiding for so long, I feel a tremendous sense of relief. My mind is clear and my general productivity has increased. And, guess what? All the things I'd been worrying about just don't matter any more. I had wasted all that time and, more importantly, energy for no reason so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let procrastination take over again.
If you're putting off something that will make a big difference to your life and work, get in touch or find out more about what I do at www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk.

Wednesday 23 July 2014

When is a Holiday not a Holiday?

I wish I could think of a good punchline to this.  (I’m open to ideas!)  My answer, albeit an unfunny one, is “when you don’t feel recharged and refreshed for at least a month afterwards”.

A month?  Quite a tall order perhaps but why not? 

We all need a break now and then.  Whether it’s a 5-star luxury retreat, a trans-global adventure or a few days pottering at home, a holiday is more than just a place we go or a set of things we’re going to DO.  A holiday is TIME.

Time is usually the first word that comes up when talking about making a change.  The lack of it, naturally.

So, when you make time for a holiday, what are you actually making time for?


At this point, most people list a variation of “sun”, “food” and “sleep”.  As lavish as these elements are, this is usually about repair.  You know that feeling when you’ve been out waaaay to late or drunk waaay too much and you just want to crawl in to bed and sleep for 12 hours.  Our first thoughts on holiday are often to just “switch off”. It’s a NEED.

So, if that’s the case, give yourself time to repair.  Go on!  If you ignore this bit, how will you be able to get on with the really good stuff?

Now you have decided what the repair phase looks like, ask yourself again;

“What is your holiday making time for?”


Draw, scribble, list, doodle or talk/record your answers.  Give all those thoughts that have been buzzing around a chance to come out. 


“What is most important to me?”


Which of those thoughts, ideas or tasks stand out for you?  Not what you think SHOULD stand out, but what you feel compelled by.  What makes you nervous or excited?

“How do I want to feel at the end of this holiday?”


If your answers so far feel like a “to do” list, adding more pressure and using up more time, describing a feeling really helps. It gets you out of your thoughts and focuses on your emotions and physical state (breathing, pulse, muscles).  It also allows your intuition to get involved too!

Negotiate


Unless you are holidaying alone, there will be others who will have their own ideas of what a great holiday looks like.  Having a conversation about how you’d each like to feel at the end helps figure out something that will work best for everyone.

Check In


Being really clear about what you want from your time away from work, before you go, increases the chances of it actually happening.  Whether it's having more fun with the family or using your creativity to solve a business issue or both, you can create the conditions to get the most from your time away.
Apply the same principles when you go back to work and, before you know it, you’ll still be reaping the benefits of your precious time away while you prepare for your next holiday!

Tuesday 17 June 2014

Lessons from a Muddy Lettuce

Lettuce Laundrette


I had a chuckle when I received a veg box from Abel & Cole last week. Among the onions, carrots and cabbage was a white card, about the size of a business card. Sometimes they add a card to tell you they've added a free lemon or mince pie so I read it with interest. Here it is:
I wondered what could have prompted the note and concluded that someone had probably complained about their lettuce being a bit muddy in the past.

What kind of person would complain about a muddy lettuce? Lettuces grow in the ground, right? Surely is a bit of mud is only to be expected on real food that has pushed through real earth, been warmed by real sun and watered by real water?


Choose Option 4


It made me wonder what had happened in the Abel & Cole workplace as the complaint was received. Did they laugh? Shake their heads in disbelief? Feel outraged (as I did) about the unreasonableness of people? Whatever they did behind closed doors, they moved swiftly to action.
In my experience, there are four reactions to feedback:

  1. Ignore and hope everyone else forgets about it
  2. Deny, deflect, defend and then destroy all evidence of it
  3. Ingest it, focus on the worst bits, worry about it. Then follow steps 1 & 2
  4. Take it, own it, do something about it
Abel & Cole chose option 4. This, among other reasons, is why they are one of my role model businesses* (see more on this soon!)

So what?


It can feel uncomfortable or even insulting when someone criticises our business, our department or our service. We can take things personally and react with emotion (options 1, 2 and 3 above).

Perhaps you’ve found yourself turning it back on the complainant? This is just one person in 100 or 1000, who cares? They are being overly nit picky and unreasonable.

Once our emotional reaction has subsided, it's time to look for the nugget of truth that will improve your business (option 4).

One truth is that this customer, client or partner expected more from you. So ask yourself:
  • Which personal values were being triggered in my emotional reaction to this feedback? 
  • What did this person expect that was not satisfied? (ignoring whether that expectation was realistic) 
  • What would my business look like if I delivered this expectation every time? 
  • What immediate action honours my personal values? 
  • What action will mititgate against this feedback in future? 

Nuggets of Truth (Or the Mud on Your Lettuce)


Those nuggets of truth could stop complaints in the future. They could even be what sets you apart from your competitors and brings you even greater happiness and success.

As Bill Gates said, "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning."

I’d love to hear your customer feedback stories!

*and to make it even better, they sent me a copy of the note within 24 hours of my email request so I could use it here! Top banana!

Friday 6 June 2014

I Should Be So Lucky!

My 10 year old son is convinced he is unlucky. The evidence he uses to make this assertion ranges from his team not winning their football tournament to his choice of meal at a restaurant with all sorts of other "facts" in between.

"So, if you're unlucky, how come you got the trophy at the sports camp?" I countered.  
"That wasn't luck, that was skill."
"And when you got recognised for your guitar playing? "Skill." 
"And when you had that delicious ice cream?" "Skill - I chose the best flavour"

Hmm.  Being unlucky accounts for the "bad" stuff that happens but the "good" stuff is down to skill?

We do this as adults too. Why didn't I complete that action on my list?  Because x/y/z came up and that had to take priority.  Notice, "I" doesn't feature in the reason. This "thing" came up and "it" had priority - nothing to do with me!

Let's be honest, I CHOSE not to do that action.  I chose to prioritise something else (anything else - I am a master of procrastination).  It was entirely my decision.  

We're great at coming up with reasons and excuses for why things are the way we are and why we do, or don't do stuff. But that's all they are, excuses.  An excuse helps us pretend that we didn't have a choice and it wasn't our fault.  

There is always choice. In fact, there are many choices. Perhaps the impact of one those choices is unpalatable but it is a choice none-the-less.

Our hesitation in owning our choices often relates to the way we assess them - right and wrong, good and bad.  "I want to make the right choice."  Right according to whom?

In reality, the only person who can decide whether it is the "right" choice is you.  How you weigh up the options and make your decision may depend on a few things (see my previous blog post) but the key elements to hold on to are whether your choice honours your values.  If it does, you're on strong ground.

So when you find yourself looking to others, "things" or "life" for reasons (excuses) as to why you haven't changed something, ask yourself these questions:

  • what are my choices? (be honest and think laterally)
  • which choices relate closest to my values?
And remember, doing nothing can be a conscious choice too!


And as for my "unlucky" 10 year old? Perhaps a bit of work on getting comfortable with not being skillful at everything.  Wish me luck!


Thursday 24 April 2014

Tough day at the office?

I loved watching the Watermen on BBC2 last Tuesday evening for two reasons. Firstly, it made me remember my 14 years in the water industry - the issues, the sites, the smells, the people.  Secondly, it was wonderful to see so many people who genuinely enjoyed their jobs.  Jobs that, for most people, would probably feature pretty low down the list of dream careers. (I won't go in to details - if you saw the programme, you know, if you didn't, I'm sure you can imagine!)

So what makes someone love their job when the job description is so unappealing?  It's probably not the money, although some are fairly well paid.  For one employee, it was the team he worked with.  For another, it was being outside.  I got the sense that quite a few liked doing a job that very few people know (or care) anything about but which is absolutely essential.

These individuals recognised what they loved about their jobs.  They had identified what was important to them (a value) and could see how their job fulfilled that value.

So what?

If you're not enjoying what you do right now, irrespective of the seniority, the pay, the swanky office or job title, try this:

Write two lists.  One list is what you love* about your job.  The other list is what you like least about it.
Write the lists swiftly and instinctively, not spending too long over each item.

  • What are the common factors within each list?
  • What links the two lists? (e.g. is one the opposite of the other?)
  • Which list is longer?
  • If you could create a role that only contained the best bits of your job, what would it look like?
  • What can you do immediately to do more of the bits you enjoy?

What next?

This exercise gives you a hint of what's important to you and how much you're getting (or not) from your current role. Being specific about what you like and dislike is useful information and is the beginning of a decision.  A decision about what to change and how.

If you'd like to know more about identifying values, making decisions and loving your work, get in touch.

Best wishes,
Stephanie



* I know, love is a strong word. If that's a blocker, change it to "like most" or just "like". If you really can't think of a single thing you like about your current job, that's significant information in itself!

Saturday 29 March 2014

The Value of Failure

Generally, we don't set out to fail at things.  Motivation often comes from the thoughts and images of what could be and we turn that in to actions that take us closer to it.  Increasingly we encourage our children to "think positive" and to embrace the idea that they can be anything they want to be.

What happens when we fail?  


Failure, at some point in our lives is inevitable.  On some level, things will not work out exactly the way we had in mind.  And our reaction when it happens is very important.

At an early age, I enjoyed school.  I was pretty smart and did well in tests.  I quickly became used to being at or near the top of the class.  When I didn't score quite so high, the attention was uncomfortable.
"I can't believe I got more than YOU in that test!"  My reaction was to withdraw and to stop trying.  My (subconcious) theory was that if I didn't try then I wouldn't really have failed.

Typically there are three reactions to failure:


  • Withdrawal - if I don't try/compete/take this risk then I can't fail (fear of failure)
  • Single-minded determination - I will do whatever it takes to succeed next time (still fear of failure) 
  • Growth - I've learned something new so what will I do with this knowledge? (focus on change and choice)

Our own reaction says a great deal about our likelihood of success in the future.  

I was astonished when I heard that the top Baseball players in the USA only successfully hit the ball around one third of the time.  So, 2 out of 3 balls pitched to them will either be caught or missed entirely meaning they will be making that long walk back, in front of hundreds of thousands of people.  And that player will have to do that again and again and again.  Their ability to absorb this "failure" and to use it to improve their game determines their success in the sport.

Discovering your failure muscle

Forward thinking companies and educators are coming to realise the importance of getting comfortable with failure. Encouraging students or start up companies to take risks and to experience failure is almost like exercising a new muscle. It can feel a bit sore at first but soon you feel stronger and better for it.  This is also know as resilience.  The ability to deal with anything that comes your way.  To be able to fail and feel upset or frustrated and to know that, in a day or so, you'll be thinking about what happened and considering your options for what's next.

So, if you recognise yourself in either of the first two categories, consider what you could see by looking at failure through the eyes of a baseball player.

  • What would be different?  
  • What opportunities are available to you?
  • What decisions would you make now that you've been delaying? 

And when my fear of failure tried to make an appearance?

To discuss your reaction to failure or for a conversation about how coaching can help you, please get in touch: steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk or visit my website www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

Wednesday 26 February 2014

Ever Felt Stuck? Rediscover The Power of Choice.





Several years ago, I was discussing my day with my husband.  It had been a tough one.  Again.

Usually he took the role of "listening wall" - be there, absorb, don't flinch - except this time he stopped me part way through my tale and offered me this:

"You can choose your emotional response to what's happening. You are choosing to be unhappy about it.  Why not choose a different response?"

I didn't take this too well.  Choose my response? What choice did I have? This was my job.  It was my livelihood. I was expected to just get on with it wasn't I?  I felt "stuck" with my lot and quite powerless to change it.

The thing is, he was spot on.  I had been so busy blaming other things - my director, the company culture, the unfairness of the whole situation - I had forgotten that I had a choice.  In fact, a number of choices.  Some may have been unpalatable (just quit), some may have been scary (plan to leave) and some were plain wild (quit, sell the house and travel around the world) but they were available to me.

No longer the victim of circumstance, I was back in charge of my own life.  Phew!

Feeling "stuck" is not pleasant.  It's uncomfortable, smothering, claustrophobic even.  Sometimes we confuse being "stuck" with feeling secure.  Do you find yourself saying "I have a job, I should be happy/grateful"? Notice the "should"?  That's a red flag word.  So, if you think you might be stuck, here are four tips to get back in charge of your choices.

1. Acknowledge you DO have choices.


Thinking about, writing down or speaking about choices does NOT mean you are making that choice.  We too often shut down the possibilities available to us because we fear that thinking about them will cause trouble:
We catastrophise: I don't dare to think about leaving my job because I might then lose my house, wife, family.
We molly coddle:  I don't dare to think about having a job that I love which pays me a great salary because I might be disappointed
We presume: I don't dare think about moving to somewhere else because my wife/children/parents will hate it
These are all excuses. Allow yourself to imagine, to think, to create.  Sometimes the most enlightening ideas come from a seemingly "impossible" choice.

2. Recognise HOW you make choices.


Typically we either Think, Feel or Know when we make choices.  Thinkers lead with logic, practicality and facts.  Feelers will often ask others opinions, be led by emotions, will create stories or images about the potential outcomes.  Knowers will decide fairly quickly and independently, without always being able to explain why they've made that choice.
Naturally, we don't use just one of these approaches.  In fact, it is really powerful to harness all three.  To recognise how you make choices, think back to the best decision you've ever made.  What brought you to that decision?
Having trouble making a decision? Perhaps you're ignoring what your lead factor is telling you?  For instance, we often turn to our Think factor if our instinct (Know) is saying something scary!

3. Make POWERFUL choices


Our values are a core part of who we are and what makes us happy.  When faced with a choice, your values will make the answers much clearer and simpler.  Your choice will either be true to one or more of your values or will ignore them/go against them.
If you're not sure of your values, answer this "Success in my life means......." and then for each part of your response follow up with "Which means that...." until you get to the source of what is most important to you.  NB this will not be money or time.  Dig past that to get to the real stuff.

4. Choice = change


Change is inevitable.  Even if you stay as still as you can, everything around you is changing all the time.  And you can't control it all, no matter how hard you try.  Every choice comes with a risk.  The "what if...." factor.  And that's OK.  Don't be afraid of the "What if".  Just as in point 1. thinking about it doesn't make it happen.  Work it through.  Think about what you would do "if" your choice didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  What could you do now to mitigate it or minimise the impact?
And if, after all that, you don't change anything, that's OK too.  Choosing NOT to do something is still a choice and by making that choice, you have started a change in and around you.
My favourite saying when I'm deliberating choices is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" from Susan Jeffers book of the same name.  I've never read the book.  For me, the title is enough to jolt me out of my procrastination.

If you'd like to know more about how you can make powerful choices, contact me to arrange a chemistry call.

Wednesday 29 January 2014

Returning From Maternity - The Ebb & Flow of Mother's Guilt

When I had my first child, the comment that stood out from all the helpful and not-so-helpful advice proffered by friends and family was this:

"You are and will always be an amazing mother and you will always do the best you can with what you've got.  And whatever you do, you will always feel guilty."

I was reminded about this nugget as I read the article "Managing the guilt of returning to work" by Louisa Symington-Mills in The Guardian this week.

Reading it back now, the comment sounds quite dark but, at the time, it gave me so much relief. I was allowed to feel guilty. It was normal.

What it didn't say was what I was going to feel guilty about.  Louisa expresses the guilt of leaving her "tiny, dependent son".  For me, it was the guilt of wanting to go back to work.  I imagine that for others the guilt is something else again.

So what is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion.  And emotions, according to cognitive theory, are driven by our thoughts.  The emotion of guilt is typically driven by the thought that we are responsible for someone else's misfortune.
It feels important here to note that our thoughts are not facts.  It is enough just to think we're responsible in order to feel the guilt associated with it.

What can I do about it?

That this emotion is linked to how we think is useful because it gives us something to work with.  If we can change our thoughts, we can change our emotions.

This doesn't mean ignoring or pretending.  And it doesn't really mean looking at what you feel guilty about (e.g. leaving your child/wanting to work).

It means looking objectively at our thoughts and testing them out; essentially challenging our version of "the truth".

How? 

If you are noticing feelings of guilt related to being a mother, try these two questions:

  1. What evidence do I have that this is a fact?
  2. What is another view point I have not considered? 

In my case, the un-packing of my guilt went something like this:

I feel guilty because I want to go to work. 
My thoughts about my children: I think my children will be unhappy and emotionally harmed if I leave them with someone else.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother 
I feel guilty because I want a break.
My thoughts about my children: I am unable to give my child all the energy and enthusiasm he needs.
What I'm really thinking: I'm a bad mother
I feel guilty because I don't enjoy being at home.
My thoughts about my children: I can't provide the perfect environment for my children.
What I'm really thinking: I'm failing as a woman.

So, I am a bad mother and failure as a woman!  It sounds almost preposterous now and yet, thinking back, I can still feel the powerful emotion of that time when it felt very very real.

By working through my thoughts objectively, I was able to see that the evidence I had in front of me did not support my thoughts.  For every negative thought, there were other, different perspectives.  It didn't rid me of my guilt completely but I was able to turn it down and balance it with the positives that I started to recognise.

So what happens next?

I still feel guilty sometimes. I do think it goes with the territory.  But when it does rear its head, I remember the most important part of the shared wisdom from the past and I remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and that is always good enough.

If you would like to work with me to conquer mother's guilt then do get in touch.
steph@stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk


Wednesday 22 January 2014

Success and Happiness - Which Comes First?

A friend emailed me a great article this week. The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor considered the motivational factors of happiness and success and whether one ultimately drove the other.

The report proposed that happiness is a precursor to success.  Because success is relative, as soon as we get close to the "target" it loses its value so we set a new, tougher challenge without feeling the benefit of achievement.


Sound familiar?


Most of us have been conditioned since birth to respond to a reward mechanism that works on the basis of "if you do x, you'll get y".  Whether it's good behaviour leading to a sweet treat or taking on "special projects" on top of your day job to secure a bonus payment or promotion, we are taught that achievement will give us positive results.

So where does how we feel about what we're doing come in to the equation? It saddens me when I hear someone say "Work's work isn't it. You're not supposed to enjoy it."  Really? Says who?  Show me the rule that says we're not supposed to enjoy what we do for at least 40% of our waking hours! I choose not to buy in to that myth.

And I'm not talking about superficial perma-smiles or some lofty "head in the air" kind of happiness either.
The Happiness Advantage author Shawn Achor says that the greatest competitive advantage in the modern economy is a positive and engaged brain.  That is genuine, floating-my-boat, even the bad days are good, happiness. And he goes on the suggest that your brain actually works better when you are happy!

Not sure how? Start with these questions and get in touch if you want to know more.



  • What does happiness mean to me?
  • What activities in life make me happy?
  • What is the best bit about my job now? What would it be like to do that bit all the time?
  • What impact does my level of happiness have on those around me?
  • Who is the happiest person I know and what do I tell myself about them? 
  • What do my thoughts about them tell me about how I feel about being happy?


Let me know your thoughts on how you relate happiness and success and how they work for you!

Stephanie

www.stephaniesmithcoaching.co.uk

p.s. credit to http://fernandocadena.com/tag/happiness/ for the picture!